So I just got a new message from Josh… asking to split. I don’t get it. “What’s wrong”?
It’s always the same answer. All of the self-deprecating shit you can think of. We’ve been dating for some time now, so I don’t really understand why he’s acting this way. Everything’s going fine… I feel happy for the first time in a very long while. I don’t know what is going on. Did I do something wrong? No… of course not. You know what it is? He needs a break. That’s all. That’s what I’ll tell him. “Let’s just take a break”.
He doesn’t think a break is going to fix this. He’s just being silly right now. Yeah, everything is perfectly okay! He’s always been like this. So worried that he’s not doing anything right. Aw, he’s such a sweetie. Always so concerned about if he’s doing everything right. I just need to reassure him everything’s okay. “Nothing is wrong. Don’t be silly, everything is going to work out once I enter therapy.”
He’s not budging at all. I really don’t need this right now. I’ll just tell him we need to stop talking for a while. Everything’s perfectly fine, he just needs to get his issues sorted out. We’re both going through some shit right now. Some distance will be okay. We’ll be back together, and everything will seem alright again. Things are just rough right now… everything will figure itself out in a matter of time. I know it will be okay. We’ll both see that. “We just need time”.
Today was the first time me and Josh had a full conversation since the day we broke up. I really don’t understand what the fuck is wrong with him right now, but it’s really getting on my nerves right now. He knows that I’m going through a bunch of shit and what I need right now is someone to actually be on my side, yet all he does is keep talking about how he’s “not the right one for me”. I obviously still love him and want him to be with me to get through all of this. I don’t understand anything. Why won’t he explain it any better? I need answers. I can’t take this.
He just texted me to stop being so dramatic. Excuse me? “How fucking dare you, Josh. You’re the one who fucking left me in my greatest time of need, and you have the audacity to go off and tell me to stop being dramatic? Right now, I need someone in my fucking life to lead me in the right direction, and you’re abandoning me. And then, when I text you about how much I need someone like you in my life right now, you just tell me to ‘stop being dramatic’? I know I’m not a mentally stable person, but I expected you to understand that. We’ve been friends for long enough, and I told you about my problems and how I have a hard time overcoming them. Have you already forgotten who I was? Was I this fucking expendable to you the entire time? You showed me you were better than this.”
Now he’s asking for me to be out of his life completely. “Fine, be that way”. I don’t care anymore. He’s right, he wasn’t prepared for this. I wish he would’ve told me that from the beginning, instead of giving me so much hope that I was finally going to be happy with myself. I can’t even begin to tell you how disappointed I am in you, Josh. You were the last person I’d expect to pull this shit off.
It’s been a few weeks now. I was wrong. Nothing feels right anymore. Anytime I am having fun, all I can think about is how I would just… rather spend a day with him, again. The memories have really been flooding my mind. We shared so many beautiful times together. I want to relive those times again… any of them. We aren’t meant to be away from each other. We were made to be in each other’s lives. We don’t have to be in a relationship… but I want to be friends. The friends we were when we first met. The friends we were through all those months we spent hanging out, just exploring different places of our city together. I need to message him. “Please contact me soon. I need you.”
God dammit, Josh! What does it have to take to get you to say something? Just say anything that’s on your mind. I don’t care if you don’t want me in your life anymore, but this silence is fucking killing me. I will literally give you anything that I have, just talk to me. I can’t fucking let go of this! Don’t trap me in this, please. Don’t abandon me when I need someone like you the most right now. You’re all that I have. Us talking is the final thing I need to secure my happiness. Please don’t do this to me. I’ll give you anything. I’ll bring you anywhere. “Just come back. I need this. I need you”.
“I’ll do anything”.
It all makes sense now. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have been so selfish? He was never mine to keep, but I made him feel that way. I made him feel trapped in my clutches. Fuck me. Why did I get so angry at him? I did this to myself. I did all of this to myself. I thought having him was all that I needed to find my happiness again, but damn was I wrong. Now… All I can feel is everything inside of me falling apart, and I can only blame myself. All I want to do is point at someone else and put the blame on them, but I can’t. I just can’t. This is all my fault.
I was the one who wanted the relationship. I was the one who held onto it like it was the only thing in my life that made any sort of sense. I was the only who kept pursuing to keep him in my life, even though he wanted no part in it. I really thought he was the answer to all my problems, and now… I just feel so stupid. I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust again after this. I don’t know if I’ll ever find my happiness again.
He knew how much this hurts. How could he do this to me? He knows who I am. I’d give you everything I had just to spend a moment with him… and this is what he thinks of me?
It’s not his fault… I shouldn’t have put so much trust in him.
It’s been awhile since my last conversation with Josh. I think I’m finally at peace with everything that happened. Don’t get me wrong, I miss him so much. Everyday, I think about him. Hopefully he’s in a better place than he was when we were together. I always think about what we could’ve done differently. Maybe if we handled our situations better, we would still be friends? Maybe we would even still be… actually, it doesn’t really matter now, does it?
Some days, I’m still mad at him for how little he cared towards the end, and I think … no, I am justified in that. We spent so much time before and during our relationship building trust with one another. How could he just throw that all away without a second thought? That’s something I’m still trying to understand, but then I realize… maybe there is no reason to it. Humans are illogical. Maybe I just need to understand that. Maybe I just need to accept that this is what it was going to take to make him happy.
Whatever happens between us in the future is for the future to decide. I need to work on myself right now. I need to continue working towards being a better version of myself and being who I want to be. I need to focus on me.