“Blackbelt Nihilism” by Alex Brown

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August 7th, 2015 @ 06:54PM

I decided to restart a diary today. I cleaned out all of the old entries. I guess it’s the events that happened today that just spiked a new sense of hope in me. One that doesn’t want me to keep looking at my self-deprecating thoughts.  Before I go into that, though, here’s a little backstory:

I was diagnosed with clinical depression roughly three years ago. The signs were obvious even earlier than that, though. I was just afraid to tell anyone I wanted to visit a therapist. I was too afraid that my parents would start believing they failed me or some shit like that. The longer I waited, though, the worse it grew. I went from being an honor roll student to someone barely making it with a 65 average. I would eventually drop out of high school, because I needed to focus on myself. Life hasn’t gotten much better since then, it’s just been stable for me. The most I’ve done with myself recently was go to therapy and, once every few months, see a few of my friends. I’d try seeing them more if I didn’t feel like such a burden to them. They’re all living their lives, going to college and shit, while I’m just trying to find out what my life purpose even is.

Today, however, that all changed.

On the subway trip back from my therapy, I bumped into a random girl. The sun was beginning to set, but one look at her felt like dusk just skipped itself and it was morning again. She looked like an absolute angel. I felt like a fool just stuttering for a few seconds just by looking at her, but all she did was give the sweetest giggle I ever heard in my life. We decided to get a quick something to eat and just talk a bit. She told me her name was Chloe, and she was currently in school for psychology. I told her about myself, trying to be as honest as possible. To my surprise, she gave me her number, saying that we should get some dinner one day. It’s been five years since I went on a date with someone. I’m nervous as fuck… but I feel super hopeful about my future. I actually believe that there will come a time where I’m no longer stuck in this mess. I’ll update this when the date happens.

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August 23rd, 2015 @ 02:04AM

Today couldn’t have gone any better. We got a small dinner, and then decided to walk around Central Park. I haven’t been to Central Park since I was 11, so it was a really refreshing experience. It was the first time since high school I felt like something I did actually mattered. I was relieved to know she enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed hers, because I would feel like a complete jackass otherwise. I’m shaking typing this… is life not just hopeless bullshit after all?

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September 8th, 2015 @ 10:36PM

After a few dates, today Chloe and I declared our relationship as official. I don’t know how life could get any better right now. I’m so stoked, I’m going to see my pals as soon as I finish typing this to tell them! I really can’t believe how much my life has turned in a month’s time, holy shit.

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March 8th, 2016 @ 04:33PM

Me and Chloe celebrate six months today, and I haven’t really updated since we started our relationship, so let me catch up on that!

For starters, I got a job at Walgreens, which I have been busting my ass off at. Despite how complicated it sometimes gets for me, the push I get from Chloe really helps. I’ve been trying to save my money as much as possible. I pretty much only spend money on food and Spotify Premium.

Over the Christmas holiday, Chloe bought me my own laptop, which truly redefined my definition of “privacy”. I transferred all my documents from my desktop into this one, and I don’t have to worry about anyone “accidentally” looking into my diary. I want to keep this thing as much of a secret as possible. I was thinking of maybe writing a bit of an autobiography, for kids who are like me and think at one point or another that everything is hopeless.

The most important thing that has happened, though, has been made official today. After months of planning, I can officially say I am moving out! My therapist thinks this is the best step for me where I currently stand, as everything is working out now. My parents agreed to pay my rent for the first few months, though, so I’m not entirely off the hook yet. With how everything’s going though, I think everything is gonna work out fine.

I am honestly so shocked at everything currently happening. I never thought I would find this happiness in my life ever again. Yet, here I am, a few months away from living on my own, with the support of everyone I care about. Life is great!

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May 7th, 2016 @ 09:45PM

Today, after 21 years, I moved out of my parent’s house. I feel a lot of emotions right now; most are positive. I can finally start being my own man. It hasn’t been very easy in the last few years, with my anxiety and stuff, and while I am not 100% yet, with the help of Chloe, I can finally begin learning to take on my own responsibilities. This really is the start of a new beginning!

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May 10th, 2016 @ 10:17PM

Everything is going so wonderfully so far! My job is great and I am feeling healthier and healthier by the minute. I think I’m gonna see my guys this weekend, it’s been a while!

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May 13th, 2016 @ 09:49PM

Unfortunately, I had to cancel the plans with my pals. I know I need to catch up with them again eventually, but now’s not the time. I’m getting those anxious feelings again where I feel like the world hates me, even though I know it really can’t be true. I think I’m gonna see my therapist tomorrow. I think I’ve been pushing myself a bit too much recently.

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May 14th, 2016 @ 04:36PM

I went to my therapist for the first time in a few months today. I think it helped exactly in the way I was hoping it would. Maybe this week, I can get back with my guys. I think I can really do it!

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May 19th, 2016 @ 09:45PM

I can’t do this. Not yet. I’m glad I didn’t make any plans, because I’m going really berserk with my anxiety. I have had only 16 hours of sleep this entire week. I’m beginning to feel so isolated that I am scared of leaving my apartment. My music playlist has pretty much only been harsh noise, because the chaos is all I feel right now. I think I need help again.

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May 20th, 2016 @ 04:53AM

I haven’t slept at all since my last entry. I’m gonna call off from work and go to my therapist later. Hopefully I can even leave my house.

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May 21st, 2016 @ 01:54AM

Holy shit, did I have a big fight with my therapist today. I admit, I overreacted, but I don’t know why he had to hit sensitive topics so harshly. I told him to fuck off, and slammed the door on him. I’m never going back to him again. Fuck him. I don’t need his help. I’ll find my own way!

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May 25th, 2016 @ 05:45PM

I was arrested and fired from my job two days ago. Long story short, an employee caught me stealing anti-depressants from the pharmacy. I really, really needed them though. I spent the last two days and nights in jail. I think I should be fine for a few months, but I have to look for a job again eventually. Who’s gonna hire a guy who tried stealing pills, though? I need to rest this off for a few days.

In lighter news, Chloe is going to be visiting soon. I haven’t seen her in a while, and I feel like that put a little strain on our relationship. I believe after the visit, everything will be okay again!

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May 28th, 2016 @ 06:29AM

Chloe is coming over on June 2nd, and I am really excited to see her again. She always gives me hope. In fact, I can feel my optimism rising!

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June 2nd, 2016 @ 08:43PM

She walked out on me. We didn’t even argue. She just said she couldn’t handle it anymore, and fucking walked out on me. I’m so fucking lost right now, man. What the fuck am I supposed to be thinking? Maybe everything is hopeless bullshit.

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June 10th, 2016 @ 09:34AM

I spent the last few days since my last entry popping anti-depressants like M&Ms. I haven’t had any real contact with anyone in the last few days, at least nothing more than telling my parents I’m alive. They have no idea about anything I’ve been through as of recent.

Through this time, I’ve been reading up on nihilist philosophies. Nihilism seems to be the philosophy that fits me perfectly right now. It just makes everything I’ve been going through, from leaving my therapist to getting arrested to my breakup, easier to deal with. Nietzche’s masterpiece Thus Spoke Zarathustra really got the best of me, and so I decided to do something I never thought I would. I was able to download a Tor browser to access a black market.

Tonight, I will strike fear into the world that has made me suffer. I will teach everyone a lesson about how cruel the world is. As Nietzche once said “You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame”, and I am more than prepared for this.

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June 10th, 2016 @ 11:35PM

The first attack was successful. I blew up an old truck that was near my old job on 210 Union Ave. No fatalities, just a few injuries, just as I planned. Maybe this was my destiny all along. I should begin planning my next attack. I still have enough explosives left over for at least one or two more.

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June 20th, 2016 @ 10:13AM

It’s been ten days since the first attack. Since then, I’ve been reading Nihil Unbound by Ray Braisser and listening to much Merzbow in the process. I think I am ready for the next attack. The fuel I had from the last one is beginning to wear off, and I need to refuel myself.

This one will be bigger, but the message and goals remain the same. As quoted by Braisser “Enlightenment’s pathological reiteration of the logic of mythic thought is exemplified in its exclusive regard for the immanence of the actual and its obsessive focus on the ineluctable necessity of the present.”

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June 21st, 2016 @ 12:01AM

A bit of a close call, but the attack was successful. It was planted by the floral market next to my ex-therapist’s office, and went off at closing times. Results were relatively the same. Perhaps more injuries, though. I feel this last attack will get my message across, but it must be planned accordingly.

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July 1st, 2016 @ 07:14AM

Since the last one, I’ve been planning out my final attack. I’ve only gotten 40 hours of sleep since the attack, but the planning has been worth it. This one is going to be huge. This one is going to be amazing. Flannery O’Connor once said “If you live today, you breath in nihilism.” The world will know that soon enough.

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Independence Day, 2016 @ 10:32PM

Perfection has truly been achieved today. Right in Central Park, and the explosion was massive enough for everyone to be in fear, but not big enough to kill. I am whole again. I can feel it in my veins. The world now knows my message. I think I can finally live my life normally again. My pain is gone. I am free.

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July 14th, 2016 @ 05:43PM

Fuck, what did I do? I saw her with another guy and… I just snapped. So I ordered explosives a few days ago and set them off in her neighborhood. I didn’t mean to make the blast so big. I didn’t mean to destroy that entire neighborhood. Fuck, how could I have done this? There was no reason for me to snap at something so petty. I need to see the area… I need to view my failure. I need to view my mistake, face-to-face.

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July 25th, 2016 @ 08:30PM

It’s been 11 days since my failure. Pretty much everyone in that neighborhood was killed or seriously injured in the attack. Since then, I have left my apartment and went on to live in a Holiday Inn in Connecticut. Nobody knows of my whereabouts now. I even cut off all connection from my parents.  I’m gonna seek shelter here for a few months. I don’t know if I can ever reintroduce myself to society after what I’ve done, because I’m so paranoid that I’m just gonna get caught… but I’m gonna try bettering myself now. There’s got to be a way to fix everything. There has to be a way to put my past behind me.

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August 7th, 2016 @ 10:25PM

Someone had to have suspected me. Someone must’ve took my sign of leaving the apartment the day after the incident as a sign that I was a suspect. My face was all over the news, and I guess someone staying at the Inn reported me as a suspect to all the terrorist attacks. There’s no use in running. The cops are probably almost here, anyway. I guess this is it. Why did I even believe I had hope to begin with? I was cursed to being the world’s biggest fuck-up from the moment I was born. All I wanted was to feel something again, was that so much to ask for? Apparently so. Shit, I can hear the sirens outside now. I don’t really know what else to write, now. Does it really matter what I write? I’m a fucking terrorist. I never found peace. I never found what I was looking for. I wish I could give my story a proper ending, but I guess that would be asking for too mu

 

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