Archived Material 01: “I Just Read the Most Fucked Up Life Story” [Failsafe Edition]

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Scene One:

On the plane to Venice, right before its scheduled departure. Mel is suppose to meet with his fiancée, Natalie. However, Mel has a big secret; he is a gay man. He is currently on the phone with his boyfriend, Brian, to discuss what he should do in terms of “coming out” to Natalie. The stage is split between the plane and Brian’s house.

Mel: Shit, I really got myself in a bad situation, huh?

Brian:  Aw, don’t worry honey! She can’t be that much of a psychopath, can she?

Mel: Babe, you have no idea.

Brian: Oh… well, you do love me, right?

Mel: Yes, of course I do.

Brian: Then get right to it! Hangs up

Mel: Sighing this could either be the best decision of my life or the worst.

Mel hesitates for a moment, and then calls Natalie. The stage is split between the plane and Natalie’s car.

Natalie: Hey babe!

Mel: Very nervously H-hi… sweetheart…

Natalie: Is something wrong?

Mel: W-well…

Natalie: Cutting him off Oh, you’re probably so nervous about the wedding! Aw, you’re so cute when you’re nervous!

Mel: Yeah, uh, actually…

Natalie: Cutting him off again I’m so excited! If only this FUCKING traffic would move, then everything would just be so perfect! I really hope I don’t miss my flight. Do you think I will miss my flight?

Mel: N-no…I’m sure you will completely be fine, honey, but…

Natalie: Still cutting him off, because she can Oh man, this is going to be such an exciting trip! I got so much jewelry and the prettiest dress I could find! A driver cut her off on the highway Hey, asshole! Can’t you see I’m driving here? Fuck you! Directed towards Mel again Sorry, babe. You know how the highway gets when it’s nothing but a giant traffic jam!

Mel: Sweating insanely Hah… I know all right… how did the speech at the MET go?

Natalie: Oh, it was fantastic! It was such a beautiful night! Truly a night myself and my partner deserved! We worked so hard on our work, even being delayed because of my busy schedule and his really late night shifts, that I think we both deserve a pat on the back.

Mel: Of course sweetheart, anyway I…

Natalie: Oh, I’m sure your plane is getting ready to depart! So I’ll leave you be and hope you have a sa-

Mel: Finally cutting Natalie off, frustrated and nervous Natalie, I’m gay.

Awkward silence for a few moments

Natalie: You’re…you’re what?

Mel: Sighing I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you for so long, but by the time I finally owned up the courage to tell you, you proposed to me.

Natalie: Directed towards another driver who cut her off Oh, fuck your mother, shitbag! Directed towards Mel I’m sorry, I don’t think I heard you so clearly because of this fucking traffic. It really sounded like you came out on me the night before our wedding, but I’m pretty sure I just heard you wr-

Mel: Cutting her off Nope.

Natalie: Wh-what?!

Mel: I am gay.

Natalie: 100%?

Mel: Yep.

Natalie: …Have you been fucking a guy behind my back?

Mel: Well, yeah. His name is Bri-

Natalie: Fuming with rage I don’t give a shit what his name is! How the fuck could you do this to me? This was supposed to be my special night, and you have to fucking ruined it all! I can’t believe how fucking awful of a person you are! And to think I started feeling some sympathy for you for fucking my partner behind your back so many times, just to learn that you’re a fucking flaming queer! How could I ever fall in love with such a pathetic excuse of a human being! I spit at the thought of you! Making spitting noises I deserve so much better than a jackass like you! I deserve the absolute best for all the hard work I put into my life! I built my career and life from the fucking ground up, how fucking dare you try taking everything away from me now! You pathetic coward! You slimy playboy! You…you… faggot!

Mel: Okay, whoa. Calm the fuck down Natalie. Do you really think you’re much better than me?  Think about everything you just said to me right now. Go on, and fucking think about it. In your little temper tantrum, you revealed how terribly of a person you truly are, yet you’re such a narcissistic bitch you can’t even see how ignorant your statements are. You build your life from the ground up? Really? Last time I checked, you only wanted me because you knew of the family I came from.  You knew I had wealth, so you decided to hop on as soon as you fucking could, so don’t even pretend it’s any different than that. Secondly, you fucked your fucking partner behind my back. I’m not going to pretend I’m any better than you, but at the same time, I’m not going to let you think I’m worse than you! At least my sex behind your back was out of LOVE. You just fucked your partner because you’re nothing but a fucking slut! You can’t imagine a life without a dick in your pussy, so you need to fuck at every moment you’re given! Holy shit, I was so nervous at your reaction at first, but now I am fucking relieved! The last thing I would want is to be stuck with such a fucking psychopathic bitch like you! And how fucking dare you use the word “faggot” on me. Man, I can’t wait to come back home and tell all your LGBT friends on how pathetic of a person you are. No matter what way you look at it, I win this shit! So fuck you!

Natalie: Laughing hysterically Oh, you stupid dirtbag. You forgot about one thing.

Mel: Oh yeah? What the fuck is that?

Natalie: Chuckling My surprise! Remember I told you that I had a surprise for you that I was going to reveal when I got to Venice?

Mel: Oh, fuck that. How crucial can the surprise be? It’s not going to fuck me over.

Natalie: Unless it was about a pregnancy…

Awkward silence

Mel: …Excuse me?

Natalie: That’s right, bitch! I’m fucking pregnant! And it definitely is your baby, so don’t even try playing any shit on me!

Mel: But…how is that possible? How? How? HOW?!

Natalie: Laughing hysterically And you gotta take the father role, or else I will make sure you have a completely miserable life from this point onward!

Mel: You fucking bitch!

Natalie: Don’t fuck with the Queen Bee, you cunt. Bye! Hangs up

Mel: Oh my fucking god… Oh my fucking god… OH MY FUCKING GOD!

The plane takes off with Mel running to the bathroom to have an anxiety attack

Scene Two:

It has been seven hours since the call. Mel is still packing.

Mel: Shit, what am I going to do? I expected everything to be fine, so long as I remained truthful with that psychopath of a woman, yet here I am, feeling more hopeless than ever. This flight feels like it’s been taking forever… wait. He checks the time on his phone, seeing it has been

approx. seven hours Shit, it HAS been forever since that call! I should’ve landed in Venice easily. What the fuck is going on up there?

Mel gets up and walks to the cockpit door. He knocks, and then walks into what looks like a scene from “The Hangover”, with the “pilot” sleeping on his chair.

Mel: Loudly What the fuck is this!

Jacob: Frantically Woah, woah, woah! Falls off chair, then gets up slowly and brushes himself off Shit… is it time for school already, mom?

Mel: Mom? What the… Sees bottle in Jacob’s hand did you get drunk before flying this plane? Jacob: Stares at Mel for a solid ten seconds What the fuck are you talking about?

Mel: You’re the pilot of a fucking plane! Why would any fucking pilot get drunk before taking off to anywhere, let alone another fucking continent?

Jacob: Stares at Mel for another ten seconds, and then starts laughing I don’t know who you are, but you’re real funny, that’s for sure!

Mel: What? I’m being serious!

Jacob: Laughing some more Oh man, if we were really on a plane, why do I see my neighbor’s house outside my- He cuts short as he looks and notices he is, indeed, the pilot of a plane HOLY SHIT WE ARE FLYING DANGEROUSLY LOW.

Mel: … Are you trying to tell me you aren’t a pilot?

Jacob: My parents won’t even let me drive 30 minutes outside my hometown! Where the fuck would I get a license to fly a plane?

Mel: Wait, how old are you? Jacob: Twenty-six.

Mel: You haven’t moved out of your parent’s house and you’re twenty-fucking-six?! Jacob: Yep.

Mel: What the fuck are you doing with your life?

Jacob: Look, once I get the job at Barnes and Noble, everything will be okay. Mel: Did you apply for the job yet?

Jacob: Nope.

Mel: What the fuck are you do-THIS DOESN’T EVEN MATTER! What did you do with the pilot?

Jacob: I… I… I don’t know. I feel like I keep kicking a body though…

Both their eyes pan towards the bottom of the pilot’s seat, and see a body of what was the pilot of the plane.

Mel: YOU KILLED THE FUCKING PILOT!

Jacob: I KILLED THE FUCKING PILOT!

Mel and Jacob, in sync, yell “shit” out five times, with the last “shit” being noticeably louder

than the other four times.

Mel: How could one person fuck up this bad? Does God hate you that much?! Jacob: I’m an atheist!

Mel: Oh, of fucking course you are! You lack the morale to probably even feel any sympathy for the pilot right now!

Jacob: How does that make any fucking sense? Just because I don’t believe in a bullshit God doesn’t mean I’m a fucking criminal!

Mel: No, but killing the fucking pilot and hijacking a plane does!

Jacob: …Shit, you’re good!

Mel: Fucking hell, man. What are we gonna do now? As if a lightbulb pops up over his head

Wait! We can use the fucking radio to communicate and help! Jacob: Fuck no man!

Mel: Why the fuck not?

Jacob: Dude! I killed the fucking pilot and hijacked this plane! If they find out about any of this, I’m looking at twenty years easily!

Mel: And you fucking deserve it! What kind of jackass does any of this shit! Jacob: Listen, man… I had a tough-ass life. Like, when I tur-

Mel: Cutting Jacob off I don’t give a shit! We need to save all the lives we can, now!

Mel reaches for the headphones, but Jacob knocks them out of his hands. Jacob then punches the radio so it is destroyed. They tussle a bit, which leads to Jacob smashing Mel’s head into the black box, somehow having enough might to destroy the black box. Mel is incredibly woozy now.

Jacob: Fuck! I just destroyed the black box! Mel: Complete gibberish

Jacob: Fucking hell, how could anything get worse? He sits down, next to the semi-conscious Mel You know how I got here? Do you know how I got stuck in this shit? I don’t even know myself. I honestly have no memory of coming onto a plane or even going to an airport. I feel like such a fucking fool, though. This plane is probably all over the news by now, and my parents are probably thinking about what fucking fool would do this shit… wait… I just remembered! We were going on a trip to Venice for a family getaway before I started working. Shit, I must’ve gotten drunk in the airport bar and… my parents are on this fucking plane! Alongside hundreds

of other passengers! They’re all probably freaking out wondering what the fuck is going on. They probably think their son is passed out drunk in the god-damn bathroom when he’s actually flying the goddamn plane they’re on after killing the fucking pilot and…somehow getting this pile of shit off the ground. Fuck, man. I really don’t know where everything went wrong. I went from being the top of my class to dropping out of high school for cheap sex and alcohol. I never wanted to be a fucking failure in my life. I’ve always dreamed of being a businessman. I know, crazy, right? Me, a twenty-six year old terrorist, at this point, once had dreams of fucking over fat cats, doing tons of blow, and fucking the top models of the world.Mel is in a comatose state at this point, only mumbling I get why you’re laughing, but can you really blame a man for his dreams? Ah, who fucking cares anymore. The only person I’m fucking over is myself… and you… and everyone on this plane… and all their loved ones… Fuck, man! I’m fucking over as many people as I would be as a businessman, yet I’m only getting paid with self-loathing! Who could fucking have worse than me right now, y’know? I guess I only have myself to blame… I could’ve just stayed in school, and made something out of myself more than a terrorist, but no, that’s all I will ever go down in the history books as. I guess you could color me lucky, because my parents will die from the inevitable crashing of this plane instead of dying at the sheer embarrassment of their son being a monster. He stops talking for approx. 15 seconds, and then looks at Mel Y’know, you could say something. I’ve rambled about my life for quite a bit of time, why don’t you tell me something about yourself? He finally realizes Mel is completely knocked out Shit, did the black box really hurt that much? Fuck, I’m really fucking up more and more by the minute! What the fuck am I going to do now… fuck me, man! What do I do… what do I fucking do… wait, oh fuck! We are just above water! Fuck my ass, this is great! I can land

this shit and be hailed as a hero, everyone will fucking love me! Okay… steady… steady… shit, that was too fast. Uuuuh… steady… wait… there’s a ship in the ocean I am just about to crash right into… GOD FUCKING DAMN-

Crash

Scene Three:

At the pearly gates of Heaven. God is checking off whether a person should be let in Heaven or be sent straight to Hell

God: Let’s see… you killed a handful of people… all of them were sinners… I guess you did the Lord’s work, great job!

God opens the Gate

Random-Ass Serial Killer: Nice! He runs to enjoy eternal paradise

God: Alright who’s next…. Let’s see… you did a lot of charity work… but you got quite a few tattoos… and ate a lot of shellfish… sorry bud, that’s a ticket straight to Hell for you!

Trapdoor opens beneath Pescatarian Fool

Pescatarian Fool: Ah, fuck me! He falls straight to Hell

God: Okay, who’s next…

Mel and Jacob enter the room

Mel: Woah, where am I?

Jacob: I… I think we’re in Heaven.

Mel: Ah, what the fuck man! You fucking killed us all?

Jacob: Look! I was about to land the plane in water and try having us saved, but then… then… Mel: Then what? Spit it out

Jacob: I crashed into a goddamn boat! Mel: You WHAT?!

Jacob: It was in the way, and… and… I couldn’t do anything about it!

Mel: Facepalm well, I guess our bodies have disintegrated now anyway. At least I won’t have to go back to my bitch of a soon-to-be wife.

Jacob: Wait, you’re straight? Funny, from the moment I looked at you I thought you were gay. Mel: Staring at Jacob I AM gay.

Jacob: Confused Then why are you marrying a woman?

Mel: Sighing Long story short, we were suppose to get married, I admitted to her I was gay days before our wedding, and she announced to me that she was pregnant, so I don’t really think I could’ve broken out of that without getting into some serious legal troubles.

Jacob: …Wow, what a bitch!

Mel: Right?! Fucking hell. Well, at least I’m out of that shit.

Plane Passenger Who Died Because of Jacob: Hey, assholes! Move up the line, you’re next! Jacob: Alright, alright! Sheesh, give a no-life serial killer a break!

Jacob and Mel walk up to God’s podium. God looks at them, notices Jacob, and snickers

God: Oh ho ho ho… I’ve been waiting for this day for a long while.

Jacob: Oh, shit! God, you are real! What the fuck! I was even wrong about my philosophy? God: I’m afraid so, bud… I have a lot to say for you, so allow me to get through Mel first. Mel: Well, I haven’t done anything too awful in my life, so I’m pretty sure I’m good.

God: Hmm.. it says here that you are homosexual. Mel: Yep, that’s true.

God: You know that’s a huge sin.

Mel: Oh, c’mon! What about the other shit I did in my life? I was a pretty solid person, not gonna lie.

God: B..But you don’t understand. You slept with another man. That is completely against the rules.

Mel: Alright, so if I raped a girl and paid her parents and then married her, it’s totally fine, but if I had a consensual love with someone of my gender, then nope, I go straight to Hell?

God: Well… yeah, that’s what it says in my book. Mel: Looking disgusted You’re a sick fuck.

God: You dare defy me?!

Mel: Aw, did I hurt your fragile masculinity? God: Getting really angry I’M WARNING YOU!

Mel: Oh, what are you gonna do? Send me to Hell? You were planning on that anyway, right? God: Well… yeah.

Mel: Cool, then fuck you.

God screams. Trap door opens, sending Mel straight to Hell.

Jacob: Nervous laughing Well… what a guy, huh?

God: Staring directly at Jacob Oh, I cannot wait for this… Jacob: Gulp Oh, why me?

God: “Why me?” is that what you seriously just said, Jacob? “Why me?” Fucking shit, open your goddamn eyes! Let’s look back on your history, shall we? Your life was heading in a perfect direction for the first thirteen years. Then you decided to fucking question me. How DARE you

question your all-mighty God. After conformation, you’re suppose to be fearful of me. Yet, here you were, actually daring to defy me. Sure enough, I made sure to make some serious plans for you. I had you drop out of high school at the age of 16. In turn, you got addicted to drugs and alcohol. You actually had the chance of becoming a doctor, and a very successful one at that. Do you know what that would’ve costed me? The fun and enjoyment I have in watching innocent people die of cancer and other various fucked up diseases! If they didn’t fear those fucking diseases because of a miracle doctor, they would stop being afraid of me! Do you think I would allow that? I only created this world to watch my pathetic creations suffer! I can’t have anyone damaging these chances, especially a twenty-six year old NOBODY! However, I noticed you weren’t suffering as much as I hoped, so I made sure to only put the most trash of women in your path so you would never have a meaningful relationship. You might of gotten temporary enjoyment of those few minutes you used up fucking those whores, but deep down inside you knew it was never going to amount to anything. You knew that you would never plant your seed and continue your legacy in any way. Yet, you never seemed to let it bother you that much. You don’t understand how fucking ANGRY this was all making me. I knew I needed to do something big. Something that would make you feel like the lowest pile of scum on the planet. So I gave you magic. I gave you MY powers, but you were too drunk and hungover to realize anything, despite it being common fucking sense. How else do you think you got that plane off the ground? How else do you think you were able to smash a black box by just pressuring a human’s head against it? Oh man, what a perfect plan this all was. I got your fucking parents on the plane, and hundreds of other passengers who could only ever blame you for their deaths. Who could have it any fucking worse than you? Being responsible for the death of your own parents, oh what a

treat! It also taught thousands worldwide to be fucking afraid of me. If there was no fear, I would cease to exist. These sorts of catastrophes have everyone bonding together and hoping that I, their great Lord, give them mercy. I get fun, and they get misery and faith! Now I got that message across, and got to kill off one of my biggest enemies in the process, whilst shaming him! This isn’t even two birds one stone anymore, this is THREE birds and one stone! Maniacal laughter I guess I have nothing left to say. Any last words before I send your sorry ass to Hell? Jacob: Actually, yeah. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m glad I defied you for so long. You’re nothing short of an evil bastard. Fuck you, God. Suck my dick.

God is in complete shock that Jacob isn’t begging for mercy. The scene just fades to black.

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